How to Stuff Up Christmas Read online

  To ‘Mama Christmas’ aka the legend that is Basia Martin.

  You can find lovely Christmas goodies to buy at www.countrycottagechristmas.co.uk

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Chapter 26

  Chapter 27

  Chapter 28

  Chapter 29

  Chapter 30

  Chapter 31

  Chapter 32

  Chapter 33

  Chapter 34

  Chapter 35

  Chapter 36

  Chapter 37

  Chapter 38

  Chapter 39

  Chapter 40

  Chapter 41

  Chapter 42

  Chapter 43

  Chapter 44

  Chapter 45

  Chapter 46

  Chapter 47

  Chapter 48

  Chapter 49

  Acknowledgements

  About the Author

  ‘Oh, Eve, this is very unbecoming.’

  ‘Don’t, Brenda, can’t you see it’s too soon?’

  ‘You could have stayed in the car, David.’

  ‘I needed to come to ensure you didn’t kill her.’

  ‘I’m not going to kill her.’

  Sigh. ‘I know, it’s a turn of phrase.’

  ‘Just look at her.’

  ‘She’s fine. She’s a grown woman, Brenda.’

  ‘She’s not fine.’

  ‘She’ll be fine.’

  ‘You both know I can hear you? I’m sitting right here.’

  ‘Well, young lady, enough is enough. You need to get up right now.’

  ‘Brenda!’

  ‘Mum, I’m thirty-two years old. You can’t tell me to get up.’

  ‘I’m your mother, I can tell you anything, I carried you in my womb for nine months.’

  ‘I didn’t have a choice in the matter.’

  ‘Brenda, we should go, let her get on with things.’

  ‘Thanks, Dad.’

  ‘Get on with things! Look at her, she’s wearing pyjamas and it’s 3 p.m.’

  ‘They’re good pyjamas, love.’

  ‘Thanks, Dad.’

  ‘They’re excellent pyjamas, I’ve always loved her in check, but it’s 3 p.m.’

  ‘It’s 7 a.m. somewhere in the world.’

  ‘David, you are not being helpful.’

  ‘You didn’t bring me to be helpful. You brought me because you don’t like driving in London in the day.’

  ‘I don’t. The roads are a nightmare now, INVADED by cyclists, do they think they own the place?’

  ‘Mum, I’m pretty sure they have as much right to cycle as you have to dri—’

  ‘You cannot have a sensible opinion wearing pyjamas.’

  ‘Fine, I’ll get up.’

  ‘Good. Now I brought you bananas. You need fruit, vitamins and – is that an ashtray? Are you smoking?’

  ‘Can I have a banana?’

  ‘No, they’re Eve’s – she needs her strength.’

  ‘Dad can have one.’

  ‘He has plenty at home. David, you have plenty at home.’

  ‘We’re not at home, though, and I need my strength too.’

  ‘Oh for goodness sake! Fine, take one, but woe betide you if you don’t eat my dinner.’

  ‘Christ, Brenda, it’s a banana not a Michelin-starred meal.’

  ‘Eve – where are you going?’

  ‘I’m going to get dressed.’

  ‘Oh that’s good, I am glad. David, isn’t that good?’

  ‘It’s marvellous. This is an excellent banana.’

  ‘I’ll tidy up in here while you change.’

  ‘Don’t, Mum, it’s a pigsty. I’ll do it later.’

  ‘It is rather unpleasant.’

  ‘I’m allowed to live like this, Mum. After what happened. Dad…? Dad?’

  ‘David, stop messing around.’

  ‘Mum, he’s not, he’s choking on the banana.’

  ‘Typical of him.’

  ‘Come on, Dad…’

  ‘Went… went down the wrong way.’

  ‘David, stop messing about. So, Eve, do you want to talk about what happened?’

  ‘No, Mum, I really don’t. I’m going to go and get dressed, though.’

  ‘Don’t push it, Brenda – you promised.’

  ‘I’m not pushing anything. He was just such a lovely boy, always wrote a thank-you letter. Always.’

  ‘I wouldn’t care if he had written a thousand letters.’

  ‘And he had trustworthy eyes. Pops always said you could tell if a man was honest by looking at his eyes and they were honest.’

  ‘I always thought they were never quite looking in the same direction.’

  ‘Nonsense, David. They were lovely eyes. What did she do, I wonder?’

  ‘It wasn’t her.’

  ‘But he wouldn’t have dropped her.’

  ‘Mum, I can still hear you.’

  ‘It’s rude to eavesdrop.’

  ‘I’m not eavesdropping, Mum, you’re talking loudly, in my house.’

  ‘She has a point, Brenda.’

  ‘Well, I’ll drop, it but I… Oh, Eve, that really washes you out.’

  ‘Brenda.’

  ‘What? It does. I don’t know why she wears all that grey.’

  ‘Because I like grey, Mum.’

  ‘It’s nice, love.’

  ‘He didn’t shag someone else because I wore grey.’

  ‘Shag…’

  ‘Dad? Mum, he’s choking again. Mum?’

  Eve had returned to work the day after it had happened with no ring and a blotchy face. She’d wanted to get on with things but found she couldn’t concentrate on anything, couldn’t rouse the energy to talk to potential buyers about beautiful new homes for their perfect family units. Where normally she’d have been gossiping with them, cooing over their excited ‘we need another bedroom, my wife’s expecting’, now she found their happiness too much to take.

  Ed, the pernickety office manager, who spent most days whining that Eve never used hole-punch protector stickers, had skirted round her in those early weeks, warned off by her permanently red-rimmed eyes and Daisy’s quiet warnings. Daisy, Eve’s best friend, always watchful, brought her lattes and bacon butties, and allowed her to hide at her desk updating the details of new houses and flats while Daisy went out on viewings and talked to people on the phone.

  ‘Hey,’ she called, handing Eve a slice of chocolate biscuit cake as she walked past on her return from lunch, leaning over her desk to add, ‘Because I know you love it more than is normal.’

  ‘Ooh I do, you’re a goddess,’ Eve said, biting into it.

  Daisy pulled up at her desk and started tapping as Eve made obscene noises finishing up her biscuit cake, crumbs sticking to her chest.

  ‘Oh hmm. You should make thish professionally, it ish soooo good,’ Eve said between mouthfuls.

  Daisy looked up and smiled, her freckled face creasing. ‘I can give you the recipe if you like?’

  Eve raised an eyebrow at her. ‘Why would I make it when I can wait here for you to bring it to me? Also, I would end up bur
ning it…’

  ‘You can’t burn it.’

  ‘Well, melting it.’

  ‘You can’t melt it.’

  ‘Well, I would find a way to ruin it somehow,’ Eve said, staring wistfully at the empty plate.

  ‘You wouldn’t, you just need to follow the instructions, it’s easy,’ Daisy said, pushing a strand of ginger hair behind her ear.

  ‘I’m nearly done with these particulars. Do you want to… you know… it’s time,’ Eve whispered, leaning round the desk and indicating the screen with her head.

  ‘Okay, give me five minutes,’ Daisy said.

  ‘Yippee!’ Eve clapped. ‘No work, no work!’

  ‘Ssh…’ Daisy giggled as Ed looked up from his work­station, his beady eyes narrowing.

  ‘Yes, Daisy,’ Eve called out in a too-loud voice. ‘Good idea, we can work on it from my computer.’ Giving Daisy a discreet thumbs-up, she waited for her to finish the job she was working on. ‘Take your time, woman.’

  ‘I’m nearly done,’ Daisy said, the printer churning something out behind her. ‘Finished. Okay,’ she said, moving her chair round the desk to sit next to Eve.

  ‘How has Ed not worked this out yet?’ Eve grinned, tapping on the familiar website. ‘You’d think he’d block the website.’

  ‘Not sure, just pretend we are looking over the details of that new house in Islington.’

  ‘Deal… oh…’ Eve said, stuffing her hand over her mouth. Daisy rolled her eyes at her, accepting one of the headphones from Eve who took the other one and popped it in her ear.

  The screen popped up and the opening credits to Deal or No Deal appeared online, their Monday ritual. They both looked at each other gleefully as the camera scanned the studio. Eve checked on Ed who had his back to them, probably Tipp-Exing something. Ed loved to Tipp-Ex stuff.

  ‘Love this show,’ Eve breathed.

  Daisy nodded in agreement.

  Eve enjoyed it because she liked to complain about the contestants and bemoan the fact that some of them talked about their ‘strategy’. When they did this it was her moment to squeal, to point at the screen, turn to Daisy and hiss, ‘Their strategy is to open fucking boxes,’ which always made her feel better. Daisy liked it because she liked Noel Edmonds; his neat, small frame, clipped beard, like a kindly uncle who’d lend you a book on the Battle of Waterloo and take you out for afternoon tea. A woman was in the chair today, showing Noel a photo of her three sons, and he was nodding at one of her holiday anecdotes in that lovely, understanding way of his.

  Eve looked over at Daisy. ‘Are you fantasising about Noel Edmonds again?’

  ‘No, I’m not…’ Daisy went red. This didn’t mean much; Daisy always went red.

  ‘You wuv him…’ Eve laughed. ‘You want him to open your box.’

  ‘Eugh.’ Daisy was red again. ‘And shh!’ she said as Ed looked round, frowned and returned to a phone call.

  Leaving her at the screen and getting up to make them coffee, Eve felt a swell of relief that she and Daisy seemed to be back to their usual state of affairs. Although she’d been wrapped up in her own drama during the past few weeks, Eve had still been worried about her friend. She’d been chewing her lip as she waited for the kettle to boil, seeming to be on the verge of saying something and then changing her mind. If Eve didn’t know Daisy better, she would think she was holding back some secret, but Daisy was the least-secretive person she knew and Eve had dismissed the thought the moment it entered her mind.

  She waited for the water to boil, distracted by the corkboard in front of her, covered in adverts, messages and one cartoon she’d drawn of their small team. She’d made Ed look a lot thinner in it. She had drawn Daisy with large cartoon freckles and bunches in her hair, and made her own long, dark brown hair fall to her bottom. Touching the ends briefly, she wished it was long again. She was so engrossed that it was a few seconds before she realised that Ed had left his desk and was standing at their table, where Daisy was looking up at him, so red her cheeks clashed with her hair. Eve carried two mugs back to the table as they both turned.

  ‘Anything wrong?’ Eve asked, her eyes wide.

  ‘I was just reminding Daisy of the office regulations about internet usage.’

  ‘Oh, I see,’ Eve said, mouth in a thin line, a quick nod. ‘And I am sure Daisy will take heed of them.’ Eve thought ‘take heed’ sounded suitably solemn.

  Ed looked at her quickly. ‘I have no doubt she will.’

  Daisy was looking anywhere but at Eve as she set the coffee down in front of her. ‘Right, Daisy, well, it is probably best if we continue to sort out those files for archiving now.’

  ‘Good idea,’ she squeaked.

  Ed stayed loitering above them, his chin wobbling with unsaid words, and then turned on his heel.

  ‘Right.’ Eve grinned, flopping into her chair. ‘Now, do you think she will deal?’

  Daisy, determined not to be caught twice, picked up her coffee. ‘We can’t. Let’s archive those files.’

  ‘What files?’ Eve asked, eyebrows meeting.

  ‘The files you wanted archiving.’

  ‘Oh, that was a made-up thing, Dais’.’ Eve laughed. ‘You really need to get better at lying.’

  Daisy’s eyes flicked left to right for a brief second. Then she laughed and picked up her coffee, taking a sip. ‘Oh I see.’

  ‘Now,’ Eve said, going to press ‘Play’ again. ‘Let’s find out what she has in her box.’

  It had been the photograph that set her off. A friend had uploaded photos from her wedding in the summer on the coast of Devon and Eve was trawling through them as she sat on the floor, back against the sofa.

  It had been a fabulous weekend. Liam and she had left London behind in a sticky haze and stuck the Best of the Beachboys album on the moment they were on the M4. They’d sung along to most of the songs, sunglasses on, sunroof down. By the Slough junction Liam had been grumbling about wearing a suit in July and Eve had tried to listen, but was really far too busy admiring herself in her new red fascinator that was so over the top it bent into the ceiling of the car. ‘Do you think Audrey Hepburn had a red fascinator? She did not,’ she’d answered herself happily.

  In this photo they’d been sitting together in one of the pews of the church. Light crossed them in diagonal stripes, lighting their faces and making their eyes sparkle. Liam had his arm round her shoulders and she was smiling straight up at him, oozing happiness, her own engagement ring prominent as she clutched his arm in mirth. In the next photo they’d been sitting at the table, Eve mid-story, arms up, Liam smiling at her from his seat. In the next they were on the dance floor, Eve’s fascinator abandoned, heels kicked off, slow-dancing. Her eyes were closed, her head bent as his lips brushed her forehead. They were in a world of their own and the photographer had captured it.

  Marmite padded over to look at what she was doing and she stared at him miserably, reaching out a hand to ruffle his hair, before changing her mind. She had always felt he preferred Liam to her, Liam who would play with him, throw endless balls for him.

  ‘What happened, Marmite?’ she asked him.

  Marmite tilted his head to one side as if he were listening. Liam always told her he was the cleverest Morkie that ever lived. Eve had disagreed after finding him eating her best bra. Now she felt he was looking at her, his eyes full of understanding. Then he made a dive for the half-empty bowl of Pot Noodles next to the laptop on the coffee table.

  ‘Marmite, NO! Don’t.’ It was too late. He had already sloshed it all over the surface, splattering the keyboard and pile of magazines as he legged it away, trailing noodles from his mouth.

  ‘Marmite.’

  He sat up, swallowed, one noodle still dangling from his mouth. ‘Bad dog,’ she said half-heartedly. He wagged his tail.

  She returned to the screen, feeling the familiar ache in her chest piercing her as she continued to click on them, staring at the photos until her eyes hurt. What had happened? It had all gone so wrong
. They’d been great together. EVERYONE had told them so. They’d travelled to different cities in Europe doing those grinning selfies, cheeks pressed together, eyes crinkled in laughter, and uploaded them with attractive filters. They always got more than thirty likes and comments like ‘Soooooo jealous right now’ and ‘Awwwwwww’.

  And they WERE cute, irritatingly so, it hadn’t all been in her head. He’d draped his DJ over her shoulders when she’d got cold at a friend’s thirtieth birthday, he’d brought her breakfast in bed when she was fluey, he’d held her hand in the street and called her his ‘woman’. Today was – would have been – their four-year anniversary. Four years! That was longer than a lot of things. Longer than the life of her favourite knee boots, longer than Steps were together. Long.

  She couldn’t do it; she wouldn’t let herself think back to last Christmas. She blinked, a thin film of water blurring her eyes so that they were just a wash of green and yellow. Don’t, Eve. Don’t do it to yourself. She felt surprised as the first tears rolled. After a month you’d think her tear ducts would have ceased to function. No more! You’ve had your fill! They betrayed her now, fat droplets dripping off her chin. Pathetic. Don’t think about it, Eve. He doesn’t deserve it. Four years though!

  Those four years seemed to play on an endless reel in her mind – hugging, laughing, arms wrapped round her, meals made, films watched, pub nights with friends, big double beds in plush hotels, listening to friends’ dating stories with a detached pathos. Poor you! Gosh! Squeeze his knee under the table as friend continues. How dreadful! Half-hearted plans to set them up with mutual friends. Four years. Jokes about what they’d call their children, where they’d live, the extension they’d build, the holiday home they’d buy and then last Christmas. It all seemed to come together so beautifully.

  The tears had stopped, her face was blotchy, her eyes red-rimmed, her vest-top dotted with shed tears. She looked as she felt – drained, hopeless and beaten. She knew it was pathetic. She hated that he held such power, that memories of him could leave her in this way even after two months. But she still just missed him so bloody much.

  What if she’d never found out? What if she’d never looked? She blamed the rain. Ridiculous to have that much rain in August.

  It had been a flash flood, it had started early that morning and it had almost been romantic. Her in short dungarees, cute flecks of paint on her cheeks; she’d been wearing her hair in plaits too, like she was Pollyanna doing DIY for fuck’s sake. It was destined to go tits up – no one could look that smug for that long.